Ex Hostage Emily Damari Admits: I Thought About Killing Myself In Gaza

In a chilling interview with Israel’s N12, released hostage Emily Damari revealed the stark realities of her nearly 500-day captivity in Gaza, shedding light on the psychological and physical toll endured under Hamas’s control. Damari, abducted during the October 7 attack, spoke candidly about her experiences, from hiding her sexual orientation to surviving airstrikes and dealing with survivor’s guilt.

Damari, who was released in January 2025 alongside fellow hostages Romi Gonen and Doron Steinbrecher, recounted the fear of her captors discovering she is gay. “They must not know such a thing,” she said. “From their perspective, they think it’s a sickness.” When she asked a captor what he would do if his brother were gay, his response was chilling: “I would murder him.”

Her ordeal began with separation from twins Gali and Ziv Berman, whom she had invited to her home the morning of their abduction. Taken to Shifa Hospital in Gaza, Damari was sedated by a doctor and awoke to learn she had lost two fingers. “Cool… I’m a hostage in Gaza, I’m missing two fingers—what could be worse?” she recalled. It was there she first met Gonen, though they were soon separated, reuniting 40 days later in a civilian family home alongside Ziv and other hostages.

The conditions were harrowing. Held in a house with children, Damari could hear daily airstrikes. She described a devastating explosion that destroyed a nearby building: “I saw from the window a building a meter away engulfed in flames.”

After the blast, 40 days into captivity, she and Ziv were moved to separate locations. That same day, she reunited with Gonen in an underground tunnel, where she also saw hostages Liri Albag, Agam Berger, and children Dafna and Ela Elyakim. The psychological strain was immense, Damari and Gonen admitted to briefly considering suicide during their captivity.

Damari’s captors gave her nicknames, first “Saja’iya,” meaning hero, which she rejected, and later “John Cena,” a nod to the WWE wrestler, after she did sit-ups to release pent-up energy. She even questioned her captors about the construction of Gaza’s underground tunnels.

Yet, the weight of survival has left her burdened with guilt. “Getting on the plane, sitting down, eating, drinking, everything comes with a lot of guilt,” she said, thinking of the 58 hostages, including the Berman twins, still held in Gaza.