In what historians now call "The Great Miscalculation," Gillette, keeper of the ancient slogan "The Best A Man Can Get," decided that perhaps men weren't getting their best after all. They released a 1:48-minute proclamation showing men at their worst – harassing women, fighting, and generally being the kind of brutes our ancestors were before that first star fell.
The backlash was as swift as it was severe. Over 1.5 million angry clicks rained down upon their YouTube video. The peasants revolted, declaring boycotts across the land. Even the great sage Piers Morgan emerged from his tower to condemn this attack on masculinity itself.
The corporate kingdoms felt the tremors. Gillette's parent empire, P&G, watched in horror as $8 billion in value vanished like a forgotten shaving cream coupon. As their market share crumbled, upstart rivals Dollar Shave Club and Harry's began their ascent.
Thus began the Dark Ages of Unmanliness – a time of man buns, vegan milkshakes, and pants so tight they could only have been painted on. The world descended into a chaos of uncomfortably sensitive discourse and dairy-free lattes.
But in these darkest of times, when all seemed lost to focus groups and sensitivity training, a hero emerged. Jeremy Boreing, archaeologist and CEO extraordinaire, heard whispers of an ancient blade that once defined manliness itself.
