Rav Yaakov Bender Slams Rising Drinking Culture in Frum Communities

In a passionate address delivered at a recent event in Toronto, Rabbi Yaakov Bender, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Darchei Torah in Far Rockaway, New York, issued a stern rebuke against the escalating culture of alcohol consumption within Orthodox Jewish communities.

Focusing particularly on Friday afternoon "Toameha" gatherings, informal pre-Shabbat meetups where men share food and drinks, Rabbi Bender described them as a "dangerous and destructive trend" that must be eradicated. Rabbi Bender began his remarks by labeling the issue a "shrecklich problem," a terrible crisis, and placed significant blame on parents. "The drinking is a terrible, terrible problem. I blame the parents for that. Very heavily," he stated.

He illustrated his point with a tragic anecdote: a young man involved in a fatal car accident, facing lengthy jail time, whose introduction to alcohol allegedly stemmed from a Toameha group in a prominent community.

"Toameha should be stopped," Rabbi Bender declared emphatically.

Describing these gatherings, he explained: "Toameha means you get together, seven, eight men get together, and they drink, they buy very fancy... Erev Shabbos, when a [man] should be going home to his wife, helping her out... they go to a party, and they call it Toameha."

Sarcastically, he added, "It’s a mitzva d’oraisa. And they eat kugel and they fress cakes and zachen, and they drink to their hearts' content."The consequences, according to Rabbi Bender, extend into the home: "I have mothers who have told me... that the husband comes drunk to the Friday night Shabbos table. And Toameha is a mitzva? You got to ban it."

He urged proactive community action: "If you find out that there’s a Toameha in your neighborhood, go and protest against the family. Put up signs. The kids are going to kill a kid afterwards."

Expanding his critique, Rabbi Bender questioned broader communal practices, such as Kiddush clubs during davening and serving alcohol at simchas like Shalom Zachors.

"We have made a society where drinking is chashuv," he said, expressing disbelief at the luxury liquor market: "There’s bottles today that sell for five to ten thousand dollars, and people are buying it... We glorify these things."

He proposed bold measures: "There should be no kiddushim in shuls... The kids are seeing this."

Rabbi Bender insisted that teenage drinking often mirrors parental behavior: "The kids by us in yeshiva who drink... they’re getting it from home. They’re seeing it by their parents... I blame the parents."

In a nod to the host community, Rabbi Bender clarified his comments were not targeted locally but reflected a widespread issue. He shared that he receives calls from concerned parents: "The kids who drink, I have parents who call me, my kid is drinking... The mother calls me and her husband gets shikker every week."

Therapist's Response: Drinking is a Symptom of Deeper Community Crises

In response to Rabbi Bender's widely circulated remarks, an anonymous therapist published an open letter highlighting that the alcohol issue is symptomatic of broader societal flaws within the frum world.

The letter argues that banning gatherings like Toameha addresses only the surface, while ignoring root causes such as financial pressures, emotional neglect, and a culture obsessed with appearances.

"When a Rosh Yeshiva speaks about the dangers of drinking culture, the entire community pays attention," the therapist wrote. "But sitting across the therapy couch from your sons each week, I need to say something that hurts: the crisis is not Toameha. The crisis is us."

The letter critiques the community's emphasis on lavish simchas: "We built a culture obsessed with appearances... A chasuna or bar mitzvah marks the start of financial suffocation. Parents take on loans they cannot repay... Tension fills the home where joy belongs."

This, the therapist claims, leads to overworked parents and neglected children, who then seek escape through substances.The response also addresses educational shortcomings: "In a community that prides itself on Torah chinuch, the average child has become invisible... If he doesn’t fit the mold, he is unwanted. That rejection doesn’t just bruise a child, it cracks him."

Concluding with a call for reform, the therapist urged: "We don’t have an alcohol crisis. We have a crisis of values... Build a community that supports families before they break, that celebrates modest simchas without shame... Until then, banning schnapps is nothing more than a symbolic gesture."Rabbi Bender's speech and the therapist's letter have sparked discussions across social media and community forums, with many calling for introspection on communal priorities. As one commenter noted, "It's time we address the pain behind the bottle."